It’s a fact of life that ugly dudes don’t end up with hot women, despite what propaganda films like Shrek, Groundhog Day and Jaws II have tried to teach us.
That is unless you earn your livin’ playing in a band, it doesn’t even have to be a credible band a country band will do. So join us know as we countdown the Top 10 Ugliest Musicians & Beautiful Women.
Number 10 – Gene Simmons (Bassist – Kiss)
This bass-playing, womanising, fire breathing “guy with the big tongue” claims to have bedded more than 1000 women. Honestly, we don’t understand how this overweight aging rocker, who hasn’t put out a good record since 1974, stays with longtime girlfriend (and former Playboy playmate) Shannon Tweed, while having his way with any and every female he chooses (including a Austrian supermodel, famously caught on film in the Gene Simmons sex tape). Besides, look at his hair…he is 58 years old…how is that NOT a wig???
Number 09 – Billy Joel (Solo)
The original “piano man”. In the early days he was almost watchable, but unfortunately years do bad things to people and poor old Billy has not aged well. These days he looks more like a golf ball sitting on the rough 5 yards from the green, but not to his once-girlfriend supermodel Christie Brinkley and other rumored cavorts including Elle Macpherson and Dina Meyer.
Number 08 – Kid Rock (Redneck Rap Rocker)
A disgrace to every genre of music he transcends. The brawling, country rap-rock “artist” has been forever causing havoc in public whilst producing terrible records. However, with a dating history of such women as Jamie Presley, Sheryl Crow and most famously an engagement to Pamela Anderson, he kind of makes me want to grow a goatee and strum a banjo.
Number 07 – Vince Neil (Vocalist – Motley Crue)
Vince Neil is probably eating pizza, drinking beer and watching porn as we speak. He is rock music’s greatest slob. The least talented member of Motley has been singing for them since 1981, and while selling over 80 million albums, has also dated Shannon Doherty, Tori Spelling and was even married to model Heidi Mark for a short time. Not bad for a man who looks like an overweight bearded lady.
Number 06 – Pete Doherty (Vocalist – Babyshambles)
A walking, talking drug cocktail. The only man in the history of science to be partially made out of cocaine. Perhaps it is that amazing feat that Kate Moss found so attractive?
Number 05 – Adam Duritz (Vocalist – Counting Crowes)
It’s no secret that Counting Crows are the worst band in the history of music. Unluckily for Adam, he also wins the prestigious award for worst hair and worst beard. Although, despite succeeding in growing a gerbil on his chin, he has still managed to court the likes of Christina Applegate, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox AND David Schwimmer. PS one of these is not true.
Number 04 – Steven Tyler (Vocalist – Aerosmith)
Dubbed “The Demon of Screamin'” Aerosmith front man and 80’s rock icon Steve Tyler is probably most famous for boasting lips that wouldn’t look out of place 10,000 feet under the sea. He may have even written ‘Dude (looks like a lady)’ about his own plastic surgery addiction! This doesn’t seem to turn the women away though – after ending his 17 year marriage, he was quick to jump into bed with Tara Reid – 28 years his junior.
Number 03 – Marilyn Manson (Vocalist – Marilyn Manson)
The self-confessed “Antichrist Superstar” is the weirdest looking man in rock. Perhaps it goes with the whole “burning bibles” thing he does to look one part Dracula/one part Krusty The Clown, but what Evan Rachel-Wood, Rose McGowan, Jenna Jameson and Dita Von Teese see in him… who knows…?
Number 02 – Ric Ocasek (Singer/Guitarist – The Cars)
Now we’re getting into the REAL ugly ones. To think there is actually someone in the world UGLIER than Ric is frightening, surely his Czech super-model wife Paulina Porizkova must a) have a fetish for human walrus or b) be void of vision.
Number 01 – Lyle Lovett (Country Singer/Songwriter)
Lyle Lovett is an institution. He gives hope to even the most hideous looking men on the planet. The 50 year old Texan who makes a living singing country music was born with the most unfortunate looks one could ever imagine, but in 1993 he married Julia Roberts. Yes that’s right… He married Julia Roberts. Unfortunately the pair split in 1995, but the damage had already been done. Lyle Lovett, you are a king amongst men.